True Friends

     I have had the privilege of meeting more people than I can count from all walks of life. There were many I liked, and some I felt uneasy about. Because I did not trust my inner voice and because many times Bob made me, I spent time on the phone or in person with the friends I did not feel comfortable with. I know now that there were people who used some advantage to use me for their gain. Sometimes they seemed successful. I get the creepiest feeling when I think of those people. Most of them wanted me to make money for them. Some wanted me to make difficult decisions for them. Others wanted me to help further their carreers or the carreers of someone they loved. One spend years of hinting that she wanted me to reverse something that had happened long ago. Only yesterday did I get the full meaning of these relationships.

     Most of my friends truly had my best interests at heart. They suggested ways that I could help myself. They were the ones that I called when I sensed they had a crisis in their lives. They were the ones that I offered to pray for. They were the ones that moved out of state or across the country hoping I would follow. They were the ones that stayed distant so I could not lean on them when I would not help myself. 

     There were a relative handful of people who thought that if they were my friends they were immune to my dissapointment. They thought that if they seemed to help me they should get a bonus. They were friends with me because they thought they were getting something out of it. The real friends are those who are friends because they want to help first and are surprised and gladdened when they get help back. It's not that hard to see who they are. Some of my true friends tried to warn me about the false friends. Again I had trouble discerning what was said because I profoundly forgot how to hear my inner voice. 

     The funny thing is I remember that most of these people did not get what they wanted from me. Yes, it seemed as stories were told that I influenced someone to lose a fortune due to a land sale. I look at that scenerio and I realize the man I influenced simply wanted someone to blame for a decision he wanted to make but could not justify it morally. He did not do anything wrong. I still hold by my advice. But I was only 22 years old when I told him what he wanted to hear. He was at least 40. The person who suffered the misfortune of this man's gain came to me 20 years later through his younger wife and hoped I would help them reverse the decision due to my abilty to influence others. I thought this woman was my friend. I made Gawain play with their son even though he did not want to. That was wrong of me. I was operating out of my mask.

     I was too embarrassed and did not want to embarrass the woman I thought was my friend to look at what I was doing to Gawain. I did not know how to let embarrassment teach me and let go of it. 

     I had a good friend at healing school that I spoke to often and was often there for me. She is a vetranarian and was blonde and tall. I liked her very much. I forgot her name because I was afraid of being close to her. She was a suitable friend. I think I was afraid I would get comfortable and she would hurt me. I had freinds that dropped me in junior high. I think they did this because I did not feel good enough about myself and had forgotten to listen to my inner voice. 

     Through the process of profound forgetting we all feel as if we lose access to our inner voice. The inner voice is always present. We just forget to talk to it. Or we might feel as if we are not good enough, or not able because of lack of validation. Or we are lazy and do not want to do the work.  I often fell asleep while I was trying to do the most important work I needed to do. 

     It is important to look at all our relationships as important and relevant. I have had many friends and healers who are still very important to me. These were people that I sometimes discounted because I was overwhelmed and depressed. 

     I let someone fall in love with me a few years ago that I did not want to count as a real affair because he was black and considered mentally ill. I was in a very vulnerable state and was not able to make clear decisions concerning my own life. I did not think I still had racism in me. I had some friends that were black at that time. I also did not think I had judgements about mentally ill people. He was not able to work for some reason and would not have been a suitable partner for me. I did like him though and hope he is doing well. I must always check my lower self and mask to make sure I am not acting through them. Any type of predudice is wrong. I observe that we all have predudice and must work daily to meditate on it and conquer it. 

Copyright Diana Peate Semlear