Eating Disorders

     I have had for a long time a fear of getting fat. I am racking my brain trying to figure out why. The first thing I can figure out is that when I had past lives of being fat I was also a very bad person. The time I was a Plantation Owner's Wife (yes I thought that title gave me the right to do anything) I was fat. I was a despicible person. The good part of me wanted nothing to do with that bad part. I did not want to claim it. I could not let myself be reminded of that past life because in this life I did not like or trust myself. I did not have a good enough foundation to be strong enough to take in that lifetime and process it. I could not claim that lifetime even when I was in a safe space. I hurt some people I know and did not know who were Black, Hispanic and Asian because they were Black, Hispanic and Asian. When I threw BD under the bus it was because Bob talked me into it. He knew how easily suggestable I was. I still take responsibility. I knew it was wrong and did not live up to my standards. 

     In a past lifetime I was a full figured woman in the Nazi concentration camps. I was forced to sleep with the officers and fed while my family and camp members died of starvation around me. I lost track of my children. I did not know if they were alive or dead as I escaped. I died a few years later by my own hand. 

     I had a cruel and sadistic teacher when I was in the fourth grade. Her name was Miss Phoebe Randall. She had an evil streak in her. I always saw her in church and often wondered from a kids point of view wondered how they could allow her in there. She was overweight. 

     When I was growing up and people were trying to get me to take less food or just my share I thought they were telling me I was getting fat. 

     I did not want to grow into my sexuality because I was afraid of how my body was so attractive to men. I was fully developed when I was only twelve. It scared me one summer when some men whisteld at my bikini clad body. I did not want to grow bigger.  I was afraid of sex because I thought it was bad. I picked up subliminal messages from televison and media to think sex and bodily functions were embarrassing and bad. 

     I had a big butt so the popular pants at the time from the army surplus store would not fit me correctly. Instead of letting my body develop into it's natural shape or find another pair of pants that fit better, I dieted to fit into the painter pants. Then I kept dieting or looking for better diets. I had trouble eating food that was different from my perception of healthy. Dieting became a bad habit for me. I created an eating disorder while I thought I was trying to become healthy. I don't want to be that way anymore. I want to be a normal weight in order to have the energy an adult woman must maintain. No one should have an eating disorder. It should be a thing of the past. Love your body.