I did not know the extent of my abilities and the power of my words. I often said things without thinking until they became a pattern. So I said a lot of things that misled people. Now I realize how I said some things that were not only quite embarrassing but were taken wrong because of my choice of words. I was always in a hurry to say things and therefore my wording came out in ways that could easily be taken the wrong way.
My husband's name is the same as my father in law. We always called him Bobby before I made him change it to Bob because I thought Bobby sounded too young. So I will tell a story that was misinterpreted because of my poor choice of words.
I used to have a lot of pain and frequency when I urinated. I thought I had bladder infections. The thing was if I thought something it often came true. Anyway I was having drinks with my father in law and I mentioned that I could only have one drink because I was worried that alcohol was making my bladder problems worse. He often made Manhattans in the evening for the two of us when everybody congregated at Bobby's parent's house after work. Bobby and Teddy drank red wine and Bob and I would have Manhattans. He told me it was not the alcohol that was causing the urinary problem but that I needed to pee before and after I had sex with Bobby. Of course it was not the alcohol in his view. He liked to drink a lot and did not want to lose his drinking buddy. When recounting this to other people I used a poor choice of words. (I write better than I speak) I told people he said that to control bladder infections I should pee before and after sex. Now I realize that sounds like I had sex with him. Also when I told him that I wanted to stop drinking he got mad. He was losing his drinking buddy. But I wanted to stop drinking because I wanted my body to be healthy enough to have kids. But the way I recounted the story was this: I would say: "I wanted to stop drinking because I wanted to get pregnant and he got really mad at me". So it often seemed to others that I was sleeping with him. But we did not have sex. We were really close friends. We swam together at Gurneys Inn a few times a week. We swam there because it was the only Olympic sized pool for 100 miles. People probably saw us leave there and thought we were staying at the hotel. I had heard he was a ladies man so I can understand why people would think that. I was also the only person that seemed upset at his funeral. I had trouble with all funerals because I had not resolved my sister's death. I snubbed his widow because I believed she killed him. I agree I cried way too much. Thankfully I can control my crying and laughter now. Something I could not do before.
My mother in law was so difficult. She did many things that made it impossible to be happy. I said a lot of nasty things about her because she was very abusive. My friend Helga tried to show me this by mirroring my mother in law and myself as well as another friend. Unfortunately I thought Helga was a whack job.
If I had been able to meditate on this my life would have been under control. I struggled to meditate without much success because my soul had already been captured by the devil. The only time I could meditate was when a lot of people held the space for me. The most important thing was that I lacked the internal discipline to make sure I meditated every day. Meditation is very important, as is prayer. Start teaching children at an early age to do both.
I used to have a lot of pain and frequency when I urinated. I thought I had bladder infections. The thing was if I thought something it often came true. Anyway I was having drinks with my father in law and I mentioned that I could only have one drink because I was worried that alcohol was making my bladder problems worse. He often made Manhattans in the evening for the two of us when everybody congregated at Bobby's parent's house after work. Bobby and Teddy drank red wine and Bob and I would have Manhattans. He told me it was not the alcohol that was causing the urinary problem but that I needed to pee before and after I had sex with Bobby. Of course it was not the alcohol in his view. He liked to drink a lot and did not want to lose his drinking buddy. When recounting this to other people I used a poor choice of words. (I write better than I speak) I told people he said that to control bladder infections I should pee before and after sex. Now I realize that sounds like I had sex with him. Also when I told him that I wanted to stop drinking he got mad. He was losing his drinking buddy. But I wanted to stop drinking because I wanted my body to be healthy enough to have kids. But the way I recounted the story was this: I would say: "I wanted to stop drinking because I wanted to get pregnant and he got really mad at me". So it often seemed to others that I was sleeping with him. But we did not have sex. We were really close friends. We swam together at Gurneys Inn a few times a week. We swam there because it was the only Olympic sized pool for 100 miles. People probably saw us leave there and thought we were staying at the hotel. I had heard he was a ladies man so I can understand why people would think that. I was also the only person that seemed upset at his funeral. I had trouble with all funerals because I had not resolved my sister's death. I snubbed his widow because I believed she killed him. I agree I cried way too much. Thankfully I can control my crying and laughter now. Something I could not do before.
My mother in law was so difficult. She did many things that made it impossible to be happy. I said a lot of nasty things about her because she was very abusive. My friend Helga tried to show me this by mirroring my mother in law and myself as well as another friend. Unfortunately I thought Helga was a whack job.
If I had been able to meditate on this my life would have been under control. I struggled to meditate without much success because my soul had already been captured by the devil. The only time I could meditate was when a lot of people held the space for me. The most important thing was that I lacked the internal discipline to make sure I meditated every day. Meditation is very important, as is prayer. Start teaching children at an early age to do both.
I did many things wrong because I am human. With everything I have done in this lifetime and past lifetimes, if I can be forgiven, so can you.
I remember a lot of things but did not know how to process the memories. I remember being born. Sounds strange but I do. I thought my dad was the one who held me upside down and slapped my butt. That memory stayed with me as if it happened often when I was a child because it was so traumatic. I thought my Dad hit me more than he did. He just spanked me sometimes because I was so willful. He stopped when I was 9. I am so sorry.
I would read something and go into the book so deep I would claim the experience as my own. Then I would be too embarrassed to correct myself. Embarrassment and anxiety was and can still be crippling for me. I should let it go after it teaches me. I want to be a help and example to others who are being abused in families and societies.
Thank you and Best Wishes
Miss Diana
copyright Diana Peate Semlear
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