Friendships

     I told people that my my friend Jan bullied me in high school. This was not true. The truth was that she often said she needed a break from our friendship because she was tired of me. I was very overwhelming at times. I get that. She was trying to tell me not to be so demanding. 

     She was my friend because I wanted it not because she did. I feel grateful now. 

     She did like me as a friend and she worked hard at teaching me how to be more true to myself. 

     I mistook her distance at times to be cruelty and bullying. It never was. She was trying to tell me to believe in myself. She wanted me to know I could make friends for myself and not through her. 

     She knew if I wanted to make other friends I could. 

     I did not understand how she could get tired of me. I never got tired of her. 

     I will not force myself on others anymore. I will not expect relationships that are not mine to expect. Nobody should do that. 

     I forced myself on a lot of people. When I was young I did that to some boys and some men sexually. It was wrong. Nobody should do what I did. 

    I will provide a good example now and be respectful of my friends. 

    Thank you Jan, for showing me this. Thank you for believing in me and being my friend when I did not believe in myself. 

Sins of the Father

     A question was asked of me a few times. "Should the sins of the father be visited upon his children?" 

     I believe I said,"It depends upon the sins." I still hold by my answer and I would add, "If the children further the sins out of loss of faith or by the love of sin alone, then yes it is their sin as well". 

     Evil prompted a very evil man to commit sins against me and my loved ones.  It is not me who should decide if that man or his children should be forgiven. I can forgive all of them, but it is God and Goddess who will ultimately decide on the forgiveness factor. What occurs here on earth to those who furthered sins will be decided upon by the courts and public testimony. Thank God we have a court system with a jury of peers who can with an impartial judge decide on the fates of those who are brought to trial. Only a free country such as our gives us such protection. 

     It is never wise to use a person as if they are a tool and then throw her away when she is no longer useful to you. This is a common practice toward women and it is a reflection of how our society objectifies and categorizes women, children and people of color. Women, children and people of color are not property. Nor should they have ever been considered so. Nothing and no one should be simply used and then thrown away. There were people who used me but denied me my gifts. If they had treated me with the respect I deserved I would not need to summon the action of the court system. If they had treated me with even an ounce of respect I might think twice about that decision. However I was used badly and it is now out of my hands. 

     

Past Lives

     Dear Ones, 

     I have had many past lives. I must be very careful to constantly integrate them. Both good and bad past lives are needed in order to purify misdeads from past lifetimes. We must always use history and proof as a reminder not to repeat evil actions. Never forget what good or evil we have done before. Forgetting causes a loss of the good and repetition of evil. Forgetting is a common occurance for all of us. However, now is the time to remember. Know that all your sins from this lifetime, the one you are living today, are reminders of grosser or lessor misdeads from a former life. Gaining repentance, being willing to shed the evil you carry in yourself is the way to augment the good. You must forgive yourself before you can forgive any others. I had to look at myself from a lense that covered the whole world before I could forgive myself. All of you helped me do that. You all supported me. I will always need your support so that I can continue to offer the best in me. I thought I could do it alone, but there was so much of me that was lost, it took the entire world to find me. 

     Best Wishes,

     Miss Diana

Fear of Deformity

     Dear Ones, Probably due to a past life I have a deep seated fear of Deformity. I have always had a fear or repulsion to anything less than perfect. Losing my teeth has been a painful reminder that I have needed to work on this long ago. I have always been somewhat attracted to and afraid of the retarded, the maimed, the scarred, the elderly and the disabled. I wanted to champion them and then was afraid to look them in the eye, to listen to them, or to touch them. 

     I have always wanted to be perfect and to look perfect. This caused a callous disregard of others who were not as intellegent or advantaged as I was. I did not know how to talk to people without seeming superior or a know it all. I was mean and said things to people that I did not really want to say. I could not stop myself. 

     I started building a shell around myself to keep myself from being dissapointed. The more mirroring you did, the worse I hid. I became afraid to even go outside at a few points. My manners took a nosedive. I started to curse and make curses and call everyone an asshole. I was really lost. I was scared and so lonely. And then I found Mark. 

     If I had been meditating this would not have been so bad. My parents took me to church where I learned about prayer but not meditation. We must start the very young meditating just as we teach them prayer. Meditation is the discipline and training of the mind to think higher thoughts and resist temptation of evil from entering your consciousness. 

Thank you and Best Wishes,

Miss Diana

Eating Well Order

Eat to restore your flesh 

Eat to heal your bones

Pray that your food is well used

Be joyous with your food 

As sustenance 

Pray above it before to partake 

Relax as you use it to nourish 

Feel at one with yourself as the food becomes one with you

It fills you so well 

Cutting No More

Throw down your knives and blades 

Feel the love from the goddess lick your wounds 

Healing you from the urge

To use hurt to make pain go away

Pray to the Goddess or God if you prefer 

To soften the hierarchy of anxiety 

Let it cascade into nothing

Meditate on your precious sweetness 

Ecstasy is in your heart

Waiting for you to call it forth 

You are Special

     Society invalidates girls when they are very young. I did not think my voice mattered. I buried it along with my talents thoughts and feelings. I was an extraordinary girl. My talents are only latent because I did not know who I was. At least I am getting a second chance. But what about all the other girls and young women or the women in our society who are victims of domestic abuse? 

     I want you to remember who you really are. I want you to know some things. Please listen. You are precious because you are here. Everyone has something to contribute to society. We are all important. Each and every one of us is important. Remember that I said that. 

    Just imagine I am thinking of you. Imagine that I am saying this to just you. You are very important. You are special. 

Best Wishes,

Miss Diana