Friendships

     I told people that my my friend Jan bullied me in high school. This was not true. The truth was that she often said she needed a break from our friendship because she was tired of me. I was very overwhelming at times. I get that. She was trying to tell me not to be so demanding. 

     She was my friend because I wanted it not because she did. I feel grateful now. 

     She did like me as a friend and she worked hard at teaching me how to be more true to myself. 

     I mistook her distance at times to be cruelty and bullying. It never was. She was trying to tell me to believe in myself. She wanted me to know I could make friends for myself and not through her. 

     She knew if I wanted to make other friends I could. 

     I did not understand how she could get tired of me. I never got tired of her. 

     I will not force myself on others anymore. I will not expect relationships that are not mine to expect. Nobody should do that. 

     I forced myself on a lot of people. When I was young I did that to some boys and some men sexually. It was wrong. Nobody should do what I did. 

    I will provide a good example now and be respectful of my friends. 

    Thank you Jan, for showing me this. Thank you for believing in me and being my friend when I did not believe in myself. 

Sins of the Father

     A question was asked of me a few times. "Should the sins of the father be visited upon his children?" 

     I believe I said,"It depends upon the sins." I still hold by my answer and I would add, "If the children further the sins out of loss of faith or by the love of sin alone, then yes it is their sin as well". 

     Evil prompted a very evil man to commit sins against me and my loved ones.  It is not me who should decide if that man or his children should be forgiven. I can forgive all of them, but it is God and Goddess who will ultimately decide on the forgiveness factor. What occurs here on earth to those who furthered sins will be decided upon by the courts and public testimony. Thank God we have a court system with a jury of peers who can with an impartial judge decide on the fates of those who are brought to trial. Only a free country such as our gives us such protection. 

     It is never wise to use a person as if they are a tool and then throw her away when she is no longer useful to you. This is a common practice toward women and it is a reflection of how our society objectifies and categorizes women, children and people of color. Women, children and people of color are not property. Nor should they have ever been considered so. Nothing and no one should be simply used and then thrown away. There were people who used me but denied me my gifts. If they had treated me with the respect I deserved I would not need to summon the action of the court system. If they had treated me with even an ounce of respect I might think twice about that decision. However I was used badly and it is now out of my hands. 

     

Past Lives

     Dear Ones, 

     I have had many past lives. I must be very careful to constantly integrate them. Both good and bad past lives are needed in order to purify misdeads from past lifetimes. We must always use history and proof as a reminder not to repeat evil actions. Never forget what good or evil we have done before. Forgetting causes a loss of the good and repetition of evil. Forgetting is a common occurance for all of us. However, now is the time to remember. Know that all your sins from this lifetime, the one you are living today, are reminders of grosser or lessor misdeads from a former life. Gaining repentance, being willing to shed the evil you carry in yourself is the way to augment the good. You must forgive yourself before you can forgive any others. I had to look at myself from a lense that covered the whole world before I could forgive myself. All of you helped me do that. You all supported me. I will always need your support so that I can continue to offer the best in me. I thought I could do it alone, but there was so much of me that was lost, it took the entire world to find me. 

     Best Wishes,

     Miss Diana

Fear of Deformity

     Dear Ones, Probably due to a past life I have a deep seated fear of Deformity. I have always had a fear or repulsion to anything less than perfect. Losing my teeth has been a painful reminder that I have needed to work on this long ago. I have always been somewhat attracted to and afraid of the retarded, the maimed, the scarred, the elderly and the disabled. I wanted to champion them and then was afraid to look them in the eye, to listen to them, or to touch them. 

     I have always wanted to be perfect and to look perfect. This caused a callous disregard of others who were not as intellegent or advantaged as I was. I did not know how to talk to people without seeming superior or a know it all. I was mean and said things to people that I did not really want to say. I could not stop myself. 

     I started building a shell around myself to keep myself from being dissapointed. The more mirroring you did, the worse I hid. I became afraid to even go outside at a few points. My manners took a nosedive. I started to curse and make curses and call everyone an asshole. I was really lost. I was scared and so lonely. And then I found Mark. 

     If I had been meditating this would not have been so bad. My parents took me to church where I learned about prayer but not meditation. We must start the very young meditating just as we teach them prayer. Meditation is the discipline and training of the mind to think higher thoughts and resist temptation of evil from entering your consciousness. 

Thank you and Best Wishes,

Miss Diana

Eating Well Order

Eat to restore your flesh 

Eat to heal your bones

Pray that your food is well used

Be joyous with your food 

As sustenance 

Pray above it before to partake 

Relax as you use it to nourish 

Feel at one with yourself as the food becomes one with you

It fills you so well 

Cutting No More

Throw down your knives and blades 

Feel the love from the goddess lick your wounds 

Healing you from the urge

To use hurt to make pain go away

Pray to the Goddess or God if you prefer 

To soften the hierarchy of anxiety 

Let it cascade into nothing

Meditate on your precious sweetness 

Ecstasy is in your heart

Waiting for you to call it forth 

You are Special

     Society invalidates girls when they are very young. I did not think my voice mattered. I buried it along with my talents thoughts and feelings. I was an extraordinary girl. My talents are only latent because I did not know who I was. At least I am getting a second chance. But what about all the other girls and young women or the women in our society who are victims of domestic abuse? 

     I want you to remember who you really are. I want you to know some things. Please listen. You are precious because you are here. Everyone has something to contribute to society. We are all important. Each and every one of us is important. Remember that I said that. 

    Just imagine I am thinking of you. Imagine that I am saying this to just you. You are very important. You are special. 

Best Wishes,

Miss Diana

Notes

Ok my notes are ok to read. 

Miss Diana

Privacy

     I want to publish my work instead of letting other people do so. My blogs are mine and I will write more things as time goes on. My "notes" are really rough drafts and I don't want everyone to see them. I only want to publish my blogs that I feel are ready to be seen. I want to begin to choose my words wisely. I would love to collaborate with others to create new things. I will have business meetings for this to work out the terms. Please understand and respect my new boundaries. 

Thank you Dear Ones,

Miss Diana

Grief and the Other Side

     Recovering from grief should be taken as a multi layered approach. I lived for almost thirty years in insufferable grief. I could not enjoy my friends and family. I burdened them with my constant reminders of her. I had the chance many times to take my sister into my heart after I lost her. With each passing year the grief grew stronger instead of healing because I did not feel as if I deserved to have her with me while she was on the other side. She can be in both places because she is not bound by conventional laws of time and space. All people who have died can do this. They can be in more places than one.

      Hell is what you make of your life on earth. If you are in a negative energy stream when you die you will often stay in something like your lifestyle after you have passed on. For instance if you yell at others, you will receive the same treatment after you have died until you understand this and move to a clearer level. The problem is, it is much easier to recieve lessons like this while on earth than on the other side. So while we are bound by flesh, we are given clearer opportunities to make changes to our Karma. If you kill other people simply because you want to and not because of war or self defense, you will not nessesarily be killed in another life but you will keep killing until you are caught and killed. On the other side, you will be haunted by the fact that you did something wrong but the hatred you feel will only cause frightening images to surround you. That is what hell is. These beings often feel so confused that when they visit multiple realities they bring their fear with them to the reality that is most comfortable to them. They often visit earth in our time and space at the exact place where they commited crimes or atrocities. They are afraid because they do not know where they are and there are images of what they did being committed toward them. Victims of crime can sometimes be caught in these cycles but it is usually the perpetrator. This is something few people know and it is important to remember that this profound forgetting is what causes haunting and ghosts. There are other reasons as well and we will talk about this another time. 

     My sister was constantly contacting me to ask me to take her into my heart. Because I was a victim of gaslighting abuse and did not even understand I was being abused I had blocked my heart to her. We will talk at length about gaslighting abuse another time. My sister never gave up on me, just like my family here on earth and my family and relatives on the other side. I can see them all now. As I am reminded of each one I take them into my heart. Because my sister was like a twin to me the loss was incalculably devastating for me. We had our own language, we read each other's minds, we loved each other with no boundaries. I loved her more than anyone else. When she died I could not love anyone else completely except my children. Taking the loved one who passed on into your heart is the best thing you can do for them, never mind yourself. It helps you both to accept the percieved separation and to understand that you are still together. 

     The profound forgetting that I experienced is the same for all of you. No matter if it was the same in a big way or a small way the message is the same. You are responsible for creating the life you want. Remind yourself to keep the company that elevates you. Your actions should be ones you would be proud of. Do not lie to pretend you are something you are not or to cover up for mistakes and bad actions. Speak only words that elevate your sense of being. If you cannot do this then look at your life and ask yourself why not? I was afraid to ask myself that important question. That is why I spent 42 years in the darkness. Because when I stepped my foot in the dark side and spoke with the enemy I blocked myself from the knowing that should have guided me in the right direction throughout life. I said I wanted to know why I was here but I would not read the very words that could have given me that informaiton.

     I am now realizing that we all play a role in this giant theatre of life. There are heros and there are villains. There are victims and there are those who persevere.  All of them play a part in the play.Though we all should strive to be heros there is no Godly judgement on the villains. There must be courts of law to work to keep those who comit crimes in check. We will talk about that another time. 

Peace to all of you Dear Ones,

Miss Diana

Copyrite Diana Peate Semlear

Eating Disorders

     I have had for a long time a fear of getting fat. I am racking my brain trying to figure out why. The first thing I can figure out is that when I had past lives of being fat I was also a very bad person. The time I was a Plantation Owner's Wife (yes I thought that title gave me the right to do anything) I was fat. I was a despicible person. The good part of me wanted nothing to do with that bad part. I did not want to claim it. I could not let myself be reminded of that past life because in this life I did not like or trust myself. I did not have a good enough foundation to be strong enough to take in that lifetime and process it. I could not claim that lifetime even when I was in a safe space. I hurt some people I know and did not know who were Black, Hispanic and Asian because they were Black, Hispanic and Asian. When I threw BD under the bus it was because Bob talked me into it. He knew how easily suggestable I was. I still take responsibility. I knew it was wrong and did not live up to my standards. 

     In a past lifetime I was a full figured woman in the Nazi concentration camps. I was forced to sleep with the officers and fed while my family and camp members died of starvation around me. I lost track of my children. I did not know if they were alive or dead as I escaped. I died a few years later by my own hand. 

     I had a cruel and sadistic teacher when I was in the fourth grade. Her name was Miss Phoebe Randall. She had an evil streak in her. I always saw her in church and often wondered from a kids point of view wondered how they could allow her in there. She was overweight. 

     When I was growing up and people were trying to get me to take less food or just my share I thought they were telling me I was getting fat. 

     I did not want to grow into my sexuality because I was afraid of how my body was so attractive to men. I was fully developed when I was only twelve. It scared me one summer when some men whisteld at my bikini clad body. I did not want to grow bigger.  I was afraid of sex because I thought it was bad. I picked up subliminal messages from televison and media to think sex and bodily functions were embarrassing and bad. 

     I had a big butt so the popular pants at the time from the army surplus store would not fit me correctly. Instead of letting my body develop into it's natural shape or find another pair of pants that fit better, I dieted to fit into the painter pants. Then I kept dieting or looking for better diets. I had trouble eating food that was different from my perception of healthy. Dieting became a bad habit for me. I created an eating disorder while I thought I was trying to become healthy. I don't want to be that way anymore. I want to be a normal weight in order to have the energy an adult woman must maintain. No one should have an eating disorder. It should be a thing of the past. Love your body. 

Playing Ball

     One of the best ways to learn to play sports is after school and on weekends with friends. My best friend's Dad started teasing us about playing together in the second grade. We were both too embarrassed about this and stopped playing together. Also some of the boys who played with him would not play with me. When his Dad found us playing under the four o'clock bushes he called him a 'girly girl' for 'playing with flowers.' 

     I turned to my next door neighbors who were boys and I played cars and built forts with them. These friends would not let me play ball with them. I wanted to so badly. I begged them to let me play baseball. They said baseball was for boys not girls... Ron said I threw like a girl but would not teach me how to throw better. Ron said I ran like a girl...but I ran like the wind. Roger, his younger brother tried to stick up for me but nobody listened to him. I dont think his own mother ever liked him because he reminded her of his father. I don't keep up with this family but I think Roger liked motorcycles. This went on long enough that I had no self esteem concerning sports and hated to play when I was in school. I was the last kid to be chosen for sports. For the first few years in school I was able to play dodgeball and other games as well as the other kids. After the third grade I could not muster the self confidence to play. That's when everything started to go downhill. Some of my self esteem problems were connected to not being able to play ball with my friends because I was a girl. This boy also told me that I could never be a writer because I was a girl and that I could not wear plaid because I was a girl. I know Ron had the dream of being a writer. 

     When I think about this family I get enraged. Why would they do this to me? Where were the parents when this was going on? My Dad talked to their Dad repeatedly about Ron and his friends excluding me. Didn't Gene and Marion talk to him about including me? Didn't they talk to him about teasing me and telling me I was not good enough? Parents must teach children when they are young about fairness and kindness in play. Parents must monitor their children and make sure they don't exclude other children in play. I am still angry with this family and will pray for the strength to forgive them. If I forgive them it will be for me and the ripple effect it can cause. It won't be for them. I know they think they have been punished already for their sins. No amount of punishment can atone for this representation of repression of women. 

Best Wishes and Thank you Dear Ones,

Miss Diana

copywright Diana Peate Semlear

I Should Be Paid For What I Do

"Copyright Diana Peate Semlear"

Is hereby attached to all I said and wrote over the past month. That work is mine and mine alone. 

    All the songs and work from the past five years is mine. I should have a profit of everything I did during that time. I should have some profit of all residual income from songs and words that I wrote or said.  

    I want to make formal business deals with those who want to collaborate with me. I have a lot of ideas I have been writing down. 

     Because of his abuse Bob should be prosecuted by the law using all evidence that exists. 

Because of their abuse all the bullies and cyberbullies should be prosecuted by all evidence and testimony from my freinds. I have computer hard drives with electronic signatures that is evidentiary. 

Neither Bob nor the bullies can profit from any of my work. They all tried to confuse me and stop me from doing my work. 

Thank you Dear Ones

Miss Diana

Copy-rite Diana Peate Semlear

Abuse of Power in the Medical Profession 2

    Dear Ones,

    I did not know the extent of my abilities and the power of my words.  I often said things without thinking until they became a pattern. So I said a lot of things that misled people. Now I realize how I said some things that were not only quite embarrassing but were taken wrong because of my choice of words. I was always in a hurry to say things and therefore my wording came out in ways that could easily be taken the wrong way. 

     My husband's name is the same as my father in law. We always called him Bobby before I made him change it to Bob because I thought Bobby sounded too young. So I will tell a story that was misinterpreted because of my poor choice of words. 
     I used to have a lot of pain and frequency when I urinated.  I thought I had bladder infections. The thing was if I thought something it often came true.  Anyway I was having drinks with my father in law and I mentioned that I could only have one drink because I was worried that alcohol was making my bladder problems worse. He often made Manhattans in the evening for the two of us when everybody congregated at Bobby's parent's house after work. Bobby and Teddy drank red wine and Bob and I would have Manhattans. He told me it was not the alcohol that was causing the urinary problem but that I needed to pee before and after I had sex with Bobby. Of course it was not the alcohol in his view. He liked to drink a lot and did not want to lose his drinking buddy. When recounting this to other people I used a poor choice of words. (I write better than I speak) I told people he said that to control bladder infections I should pee before and after sex. Now I realize that sounds like I had sex with him. Also when I told him that I wanted to stop drinking he got mad. He was losing his drinking buddy. But I wanted to stop drinking because I wanted my body to be healthy enough to have kids. But the way I recounted the story was this: I would say:  "I wanted to stop drinking because I wanted to get pregnant and he got really mad at me".  So it often seemed to others that I was sleeping with him. But we did not have sex. We were really close friends. We swam together at Gurneys Inn a few times a week. We swam there because it was the only Olympic sized pool for 100 miles. People probably saw us leave there and thought we were staying at the hotel. I had heard he was a ladies man so I can understand why people would think that. I was also the only person that seemed upset at his funeral. I had trouble with all funerals because I had not resolved my sister's death. I snubbed his widow because I believed she killed him. I agree I cried way too much. Thankfully I can control my crying and laughter now. Something I could not do before. 
     My mother in law was so difficult. She did many things that made it impossible to be happy. I said a lot of nasty things about her because she was very abusive. My friend Helga tried to show me this by mirroring my mother in law and myself as well as another friend. Unfortunately I thought Helga was a whack job. 
     If I had been able to meditate on this my life would have been under control. I struggled to meditate without much success because my soul had already been captured by the devil. The only time I could meditate was when a lot of people held the space for me. The most important thing was that I lacked the internal discipline to make sure I meditated every day. Meditation is very important, as is prayer. Start teaching children at an early age to do both. 

     I did many things wrong because I am human. With everything I have done in this lifetime and past lifetimes, if I can be forgiven, so can you.

     I remember a lot of things but did not know how to process the memories. I remember being born. Sounds strange but I do. I thought my dad was the one who held me upside down and slapped my butt. That memory stayed with me as if it happened often when I was a child because it was so traumatic. I thought my Dad hit me more than he did. He just spanked me sometimes because I was so willful. He stopped when I was 9. I am so sorry. 

     I would read something and go into the book so deep I would claim the experience as my own. Then I would be too embarrassed to correct myself. Embarrassment and anxiety was and can still be crippling for me. I should let it go after it teaches me. I want to be a help and example to others who are being abused in families and societies. 

Thank you and Best Wishes

Miss Diana

copyright Diana Peate Semlear

Trust

     Through much sacrifice and difficulty the universe tried to warn me about a seemingly unendurable fate. It was a fate that I ultimately chose, but one that began to influence me on the day I was born. 

     People tried to tell me by use of example not to trust certain people of influence. Some of them were willing to sacrifice their reputations to warn me about the medical profession and abuse of power. 

     People often try to steal things that are not theirs. They do it because that is who they are. Evil influences them more than good. They are more concerned with the I in the self rather than the truth. There were some people that stole something from me that was meant to be a gift. They did this so that their children could profit through my gifts. They abused what they stole so that I myself was influenced by their selfishness and greed. They might defend themselves saying that children should not be judged by the father's actions. Yet it is sometimes the children and the children's children who abuse the opportunities they are given. Always these people could make a better choice. 

     Theft and abuse of power cannot cleave to love and life to function. Theft and greed mixed with love and life is simply not a working model. 

     I am not the one to decide on the fate of others. I will say that I give permission for any evidence to come forward to bring these abuses to light. Let the law decide on the fate of those who have hurt and abused me and my children. I want the evidence to come to light for myself and my children who suffered in the hands of evildoing. I want justice to be served for all victims who suffer in the hands of those who are so greatly influenced by evil. 

     I chose my family of origen. I did not choose the family I married into, I was drawn to them through the influence of evil and could not help but show up in their lives. The did not appreciate who I was. This often happens to young women who marry before they understand who they are. It can happen in arranged marriages also. My friends and their children and my children tried to show me by example the mistake I had made in marrying into that family. For ultimately it was my mistake. I knew for certain at one moment the night before my wedding. At one moment it became clear when an old friend called out a song to be played by the band at my rehearsal dinner. The song was New York, New York, usually sung by Frank Sinatra. I was profoundly embarrassed as I realized my mistake. I felt it was too late to call off the wedding. I was wrong. If I had only confided in my sister she would have convinced me and taken my side. She would have helped me to fix everything. 

Copyright Diana Peate Semlear

True Friends

     I have had the privilege of meeting more people than I can count from all walks of life. There were many I liked, and some I felt uneasy about. Because I did not trust my inner voice and because many times Bob made me, I spent time on the phone or in person with the friends I did not feel comfortable with. I know now that there were people who used some advantage to use me for their gain. Sometimes they seemed successful. I get the creepiest feeling when I think of those people. Most of them wanted me to make money for them. Some wanted me to make difficult decisions for them. Others wanted me to help further their carreers or the carreers of someone they loved. One spend years of hinting that she wanted me to reverse something that had happened long ago. Only yesterday did I get the full meaning of these relationships.

     Most of my friends truly had my best interests at heart. They suggested ways that I could help myself. They were the ones that I called when I sensed they had a crisis in their lives. They were the ones that I offered to pray for. They were the ones that moved out of state or across the country hoping I would follow. They were the ones that stayed distant so I could not lean on them when I would not help myself. 

     There were a relative handful of people who thought that if they were my friends they were immune to my dissapointment. They thought that if they seemed to help me they should get a bonus. They were friends with me because they thought they were getting something out of it. The real friends are those who are friends because they want to help first and are surprised and gladdened when they get help back. It's not that hard to see who they are. Some of my true friends tried to warn me about the false friends. Again I had trouble discerning what was said because I profoundly forgot how to hear my inner voice. 

     The funny thing is I remember that most of these people did not get what they wanted from me. Yes, it seemed as stories were told that I influenced someone to lose a fortune due to a land sale. I look at that scenerio and I realize the man I influenced simply wanted someone to blame for a decision he wanted to make but could not justify it morally. He did not do anything wrong. I still hold by my advice. But I was only 22 years old when I told him what he wanted to hear. He was at least 40. The person who suffered the misfortune of this man's gain came to me 20 years later through his younger wife and hoped I would help them reverse the decision due to my abilty to influence others. I thought this woman was my friend. I made Gawain play with their son even though he did not want to. That was wrong of me. I was operating out of my mask.

     I was too embarrassed and did not want to embarrass the woman I thought was my friend to look at what I was doing to Gawain. I did not know how to let embarrassment teach me and let go of it. 

     I had a good friend at healing school that I spoke to often and was often there for me. She is a vetranarian and was blonde and tall. I liked her very much. I forgot her name because I was afraid of being close to her. She was a suitable friend. I think I was afraid I would get comfortable and she would hurt me. I had freinds that dropped me in junior high. I think they did this because I did not feel good enough about myself and had forgotten to listen to my inner voice. 

     Through the process of profound forgetting we all feel as if we lose access to our inner voice. The inner voice is always present. We just forget to talk to it. Or we might feel as if we are not good enough, or not able because of lack of validation. Or we are lazy and do not want to do the work.  I often fell asleep while I was trying to do the most important work I needed to do. 

     It is important to look at all our relationships as important and relevant. I have had many friends and healers who are still very important to me. These were people that I sometimes discounted because I was overwhelmed and depressed. 

     I let someone fall in love with me a few years ago that I did not want to count as a real affair because he was black and considered mentally ill. I was in a very vulnerable state and was not able to make clear decisions concerning my own life. I did not think I still had racism in me. I had some friends that were black at that time. I also did not think I had judgements about mentally ill people. He was not able to work for some reason and would not have been a suitable partner for me. I did like him though and hope he is doing well. I must always check my lower self and mask to make sure I am not acting through them. Any type of predudice is wrong. I observe that we all have predudice and must work daily to meditate on it and conquer it. 

Copyright Diana Peate Semlear

     

      

Bullying and Where it Starts Sometimes

        My ideas should not include the free will of my friends and family. I don't have the right to decide the fate of another individual. Many of you taught me that by showing me how my much power words have. No one should say two sisters cannot talk no matter what the circumstances. No one should decide that a family should not talk to an individual member because they have some bad habits. No one should stop talking to a friend because she embarrassed them. 

     I stopped talking to people who bullied me. Even though she said she was sorry later it messed me up and hurt me when my best friend in childhood teased and hurt my feelings time and time again. It's not ok to forgive and forget something like that. I buried my hurt and anger to the point I could not identify where this was coming from. I was already very shy and this pushed me into a shell that was difficult to break out of. There are many reasons why I did not trust myself and my instincts. I learned to hate myself because my first best friend that was a girl and her neighbors teased me. 

     There were a group of girls who were mean to me in Jr. High. They threatened to beat me up. One of them had befriended me for a few months but the leader of the group disliked me for some reason and picked a fight with me over taking a seat in class that she decided was hers.  I lied a few years ago saying they beat me up. Emotionally they did. They would follow me through the halls at school in between class periods and ask me if I was on the rag and call me a lez (lesbian) I had no idea how they knew I had crushes on girls. Now I know they were just trying to get under my skin. They scared me because their group really did have fights. They were bullies. One of them is doing good work now so I suppose she is really a better person now. She teased me in high school as well. 

     I often arranged for Sarah to play with a girl that was mean to her. I did this because her mother pressured me into it. I thought the mother was my friend. 

Copyright Diana Peate Semlear